YOU decide what I write about HELP!
by An Artists Account
Summary: Exactly What it sounds like- read inside for details
1. Chapter 1

Exactly as the title reads. You decide what I write about. All you need to do is owl me ( if a wizard or witch ) or PM me (if, sadly, a Muggle ) with these details...

**Up to ****5**** of J. K. Rowling's characters.** (You can mix species, generations, locations, anything e.g. Kreacher, Gellert Grindlewald, Mer-person from the black lake )

**A Location. **(This can be anywhere in the Wizarding or Muggle world )

**The Weather.** (Be as precise as you want, it doesn't matter- if you want it to be snowing in the Sahara that's up to you)

**3 Random Words. ** (These can be anything at all- nouns, verbs, adjectives, whatever you want- just make it random!)

**And 1 sentence of dialogue. **(The wackier the better)

The rating is k+ so nothing over please.

And apart from that I'll do my best to make it funny!


	2. TerroristOfTheSevenSeas

**Terrorist Of The Seven Seas**

Characters- _Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall_

Location- _Dumbledore's Private Quarters_

Weather-_ In the middle of a heat wave_

3 Random Words- _Banana, Rumbleroar, Glockenspiel_

Dialogue- _"Take me to Pigfarts!"_

Snape looked out on the grounds at the lobster coloured sunbathers, sneer fixed firmly in place. Hogwarts, despite being in the high lands of Scotland was experiencing a heat wave, the likes of which the British Isles hadn't seen since...Well, ever.

Snape hated sunshine. It made his greasy hair even more greasy and he could never get up the courage to change his black robes (of which he had three hundred and sixty five pairs- one for each day of the year) for a pair of Baggy Hawaiian shorts which Men's Vogue said were the latest 'In'.

He sighed and watched professor McGonagall peel a banana. The truth was he was scared of being teased for his pale legs.

Dumbledore looked up from the other side of a large two-way mirror at the sigh, offered Severus a go on his new glockenspiel, listened to the excuse proffered, then returned to his muttered conversation through the glass. Or at least, Dumbledore muttered. Rumbleroar (being the lion on the other side of the mirror) could only roar and snarl, though this wasn't really an issue as Dumbledore could speak well over eight hundred and ninety three languages (eight hundred and ninety four to be precise) including mermish, lion, baboon and Irish.

Snape inwardly groaned (he couldn't outwardly groan as the Headmaster would immediately offer him a go on his new glockenspiel and he was running out of excuses.) He hoped that Dumbledore would stop showing off his amazing lingual skills and call the meeting to order because he wanted to try out his new shampoo that proclaimed:

'Got Greasy Hair? The other shampoos just not working? Then have we got the 'Poo for You!'

Snape had almost lobbed it at his dart board which had a picture of Harry Potter spellataped to it but had stumbled on through the haze of pain.

'Grease GO! Makes your hair visibly shinier in JUST three days!'

There was a final snarl from the mirror and Dumbledore picked out a few bars of Three Blind Owls (A spectacular epic telling the eleven hour length tale of how the world as we knew almost collapsed around our heel because the post was mixed up and Mrs. Weasley found out her sons were operating OWL Order through their dormitory window.) That important tasked completed, the Headmaster turned to Severus and Minerva who were seated across his private study. Sevy Snape was examining the small print on a bottle of shampoo with a magnifying glass and Minnie McGonagall was peeling another banana. Dumbledore surveyed them happily and offered Sevy a go on his new glockenspiel. His excuses were fascinating.

"I call this meeting of incredible, beautiful, amazing people, oh and you two of course, to order. I have decided that this year I am going to emigrate to Mars."

Several jaws dropped, the portraits were eaves-dropping again, though not very subtly.

"I have thought long and hard about it over many boxes of Bertie Botts Every Flavoured Beans and decided that the plan must be long and complex with Sevy pretending to kill me so Harry can feel betrayed by me and can start a 'Hate Sevy Snape!' club without feeling guilty.

Snape's face crumpled. He flung himself at the Headmasters feet and began to wail hysterically.

"Take me with you! Take me TO PIGFARTS! _PLEASE_ get me away from this infernal heat wave!"

"There, there, Sevy. It's all right." Dumbledore patted him on the head then hastily withdrew his hand, performing a quick de-greasing charm on it.

"Sevy, it's okay. This is the British Isles, this heat wave has lasted approximately one point three eight six six two nought six seven hours. It'll be raining by lunchtime."

Sevy satisfied left the room with Minnie who was trailing banana skins behind her. Albus pretended to plunk out another tune on his glockenspiel until they had left then lobbed it in the incinerator, snatching up his tenor saxophone. He smiled (if that is possible while playing a sax) and began to play his revised edition of Beethoven's hardest symphony making it sound even more awesome.

After all, the glockenspiel was just a front.


	3. CherryPiePuppy

**Cherrypiepuppy**

Characters- _Draco__Malfoy,__Harry__Potter,__Hermione__Granger,__Argus__Filch,__Albus__Brian__Dumbledore_

Location- _Ghetto_

Weather-_N/A_

3RandomWords- _Cantaloupe,__Potty,__Yogurt_

Dialogue- _"Hey__look!__A__flying__box__of__cereal__with__Snape's__face__on__it_

"You know, I really hate Filch." Harry Potter, the boy who lived, the Chosen One, whatever you want to call him, glared at the potty in the corner of their room in the ghetto. "Of all the places the Room of Requirements could have turned into hide us, a Ghetto wouldn't of been my first choice."

"Oh stop moaning Harry, we have much worse problem than the potty, Little D can use it."

Draco scowled at Hermione, "I am NOT part house-elf!" He muttered darkly then went back to counting his Sickle collection. "And stop talking so much, I want to see if I've got enough to buy a rocket ship yet!"

Hermione completely ignored him, much to his chagrin (he still thought she was worth a nine) and went back to telling Harry not to be such an angry teenage boy. " There are hundreds more problems than the potty here. Escaping, Killing Voldemort and the fact that there are no books in here to name but a few. Outrageous. I'll be lodging an complaint."

"Oh nuts to your books."

"Can I borrow them? I'm still seventeen knuts short." Draco looked up sharply at the mention of cash.

Hermione rapped him smartly over the head then began to pace again. "Least we've got plenty of food." She said thoughtfully.

"Oh Yummy, " Harry said sarcastically, "Yes we have a pint of yogurt and a cantaloupe. What the hell even is a cantaloupe?"

"A variety of melon (Cucumis Melo Var. Rericulatus) having a tan rind with netlike ridges and a sweet fragrant orange flesh with-"

"Ok!" Draco cut in, "We have more pressing problems than the fact that Hermione has swallowed yet another text book!"

"Leave her alone ferret-face!" Harry snapped but Hermione wasn't listening. Draco stared at her for a second then frowned

"Where's Weasel?"

"He couldn't make it remember? He wanted to come but Filch caught him trying to smuggle all those bottles of firewhiskey into the dormitory."

"Do I want to know why Weasel-by was trying to smuggle firewhiskey into the dorm?" Draco raised one eyebrow.

"No."

"Just answer the question."

"You said you didn't want to know!"

"Just answer the **** ********** *********** ****************!$^£$^&*"&* question!"

Hermione rapped him hard on the head again. "THIS IS A K+ RATED FANFIC WATCH YOUR MOUTH!"

"Back to the subject at hand, " Harry's scar was hurting. _Again._"Lav-Lav won't leave him alone. He's trying to get so drunk he can't remember his own name never mind the fact that he once frenched the Cling-on."

"Cling-on?"

"Cling-on." He solemnly.

So there they sat, Hermione, Harry and Ferret Face, in a ghetto with a potty, a yoghurt and a cantaloupe.

Yes. A Cantaloupe.

"Hey look! A flying box of cereal with Snape's face on it!"

"Don't be foolish Ferret Face, you're hallucinating."

"Oh shut up you filthy little-"

"DON'T YOU DARE CALL HER A YOU-KNOW-WHAT! YOU FILTH MOUTHED BAST-"

"Calm down dear, "Hermione said disparagingly, "I don't mind really."

"He was going to call you a-"

"I know and I'm really hurt about it but then I cheer up considerably because even though I'm a Muggle born I'm still far cleverer than a ferret and when I'm his boss I'll be making him clean toilets without magic."

Hermione went off into maniac laughter.

Draco scowled.

Hermione conjured some rope.

"Erm Hermione," Harry said a few minutes later.

"Not now Harry!" She said from between gritted teeth as she successfully finished tying up the ferret.

Draco scowled even more through his gag.

Harry tried again, "Um, Hermione I really think you should-"

"BE QUIET!"

"There's-a-box-of-cereal-with-Snape's-face-on-it-in-the-corner-which-has-just-turned-into-Dumbledore."

Hermione looked up, waved over at Albus and finished securing the knots.

"Nice knot tying Miss Granger."

Dumbledore looked impressed. "Thanks Sir."

She smiled, "Was there anything you wanted?"

"Only to say that one Argus Filch is waiting outside what he thinks is an incredibly small broom cupboard for you to come out and isn't moving. I also believe he's armed with a mop."

Harry went pale.

"He's prepared to wait all night too."

Hermione sighed. "And I'm allergic to cantaloupe too. Someone really hate's me."

Harry nodded over to the quivering ferret in the corner.

"Yeah, Ferret Face. But don't take it personally. He hates me as well."

Dumbledore stood up, brushing invisible dust from his robes, "Well, I'd better be going. I've got the Ghostbusters banging at the door and Peeves is being unbearable. Again! See you later."

He Disapperate with a crack.

Hermione looked slightly confused.

"I thought you couldn't apparate and Disapperate inside Hogwarts."

Harry grinned. "He's the headmaster. Rules bend themselves for Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore. And I mean that in a strictly non gay way. Ready to face the music?"

"I'm ready to face the music. It's Filch I'm worried about."

-four hours later-

"AND GET OUT OF THIS OFFICE THIS INSTANT! OOOH I WISH WE WERE ALLOWED TO CHAIN YOU LITTLE BRATS UP STILL!"

"I still think a four detention was a little extreme." Harry moaned as they trudged out of Filch's office and towards Gryffindor Tower.

"You threw the cantaloupe at him. What did you _expect_?"

"A three hour one."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"I think we underestimated Malfoy."

"Yeah, tipping that yoghurt over Filch's head was inspiring!"

"He was aiming for your head."

"Oh."

Hermione smiled. "Come on."

So they made their way back to a three foot pile of homework and a very drunk Ron.

And frankly, Harry didn't know which was more scary.


	4. JustMeAgain123

**JustMeAgian123**

**Characters:**_Ronald__Weasley,__Lavender__Brown,__Draco__Malfoy,__Severus__Snape__and__Kreacher_

**Location:** _The__Black__'__s__House__(Grimmauld__Place)_

**Weather:** _Raining_

**3****Random****Words:** _'__Cows__'__,__ '__Rules__' __and__ '__Melon-head__'_

**Dialogue:** _"__LAV__LAV!__DON__'__T__LEAVE__ME!__On__second__thoughts__…"_

Kreacher was muttering.

Muttering was something Kreacher did a lot. It gave him a warm fuzzy feeling, mouthing off people, unworthy people, people not fit to enter his mistresses esteemed and noble house.

Even though his mistress had been dead for nearly twenty years but who cared about that?

So Kreacher was muttering…And getting great satisfaction from it.

Nothing like a good mutter…

-0-0-0-

The fire was crackling in the hearth underneath the mounted cows head and turned green.

This didn't surprise Kreacher. The fire turned green a lot. The two figures emerging, unfried, uncooked and completely unsinged, out of the flames didn't surprise him either.

That happened a lot too.

What surprised Kreacher most was not the fact that as they walked past him, struggling with a heavy saucepan, that they didn't even glance at him- that happened even more often than the fire changed colour- but more the fact that the two figures were Professor Severus Snape and his godson, the Malfoy boy.

And they were talking about _rules_.

Slytherins were known for, among other things, their inability to follow even the most basic of rules so Kreacher was, understandably, surprised…And a little confused.

He wondered what was going on but then resigned himself to the fact that he would never know.

No-one told Kreacher anything.

But that didn't surprise Kreacher either.

Life seldom surprised Kreacher.

But then again, why should it?

What had life ever given to Kreacher other than kicks and bruises?

So Kreacher returned to his muttering, resigned to his place in life.

Not as an equal-

but as an inferior.

It took more than that to surprise Kreacher.

-0-0-0-

Meanwhile, on the front step, Ron and Lavender where arguing.

Or, more accurately, Lavender was arguing.

Ron seemed to be trying to find a trap door.

"IT'S OVER RONALD WEASLEY! GO BACK TO YOUR PRECIOUS HERMIONE AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

She turned, tears freely failing, and stomped away as fast as was humanly possible in six inch stilettos while it was raining.

So not really fast at all.

"LAV LAV! DON'T LEAVE ME! On second thoughts…" Ron watched her blond head disappear into the abyss and thought of another person's hair. Not blond but brunette.

And smiled slightly before opening the door and slipping inside out of the rain.

-0-0-0-

"WHAT I THE NAME OF MERLIN'S MOST BAGY Y-FRONTS ARE YOU DOING IN HARRY'S HOUSE?"

"Oh don't be such a Melonhead."

"Don't you call me a Melonhead!"

"I'll call you whatever I want to Weasel."

"DON'T YOU CALL ME A WEASEL YOU OVERGROWN FERRET!"

Snape took one look from the red face and even redder hair then over to the pale face and even paler hair and, perhaps realising that he couldn't really take points away from Gryffindor when they weren't anywhere near Hogwarts, ran for it.

Ron shook his head, "Coward."

"DON'T YOU CALL MY GODFATHER A COWARD!"

"What are you doing here? This is Harry's house."

"Potty?"

Ron clenched his fists.

"Don't you call him Potty! And what are you doing here?"

"Okay, I admit it. It is my intention to commandeer this house, join the Dark Lord in London, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weaselly black guts out."

"You really need to stop watch Pirates of The Caribbean mate."

Draco sighed, "I know, but Johnny Depp is so pretty."

"Man that's deep."

"Look, why don't we forget the whole breaking and entering thing, give up the Death Eater plan and go see Pirates of the Caribbean?"

Ron thought of Lavender who he had wanted to go and see Pirates with, mind you, he wouldn't have seen much of the film- she seemed to like snogging way more than actually watching entertainment.

He stuck out his hand.

"I'm in."


End file.
